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Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs

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Of Peacocks and Omens [Sep. 12th, 2007|01:09 pm]
Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs

Snape: Severus Snape here, your unfriendly neighborhood potions master, here to warn you that this edition of Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs contains spoilers for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows as well as Inuyasha manga chapter 518. Now bugger off.

Of Peacocks and OmensCollapse )
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Lucius Malfoy and the Title of Doom [Jan. 17th, 2007|08:45 pm]
Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs

Legolas: So I hear the title for the last Harry Potter book was announced.

: Yeah.  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Legolas:  Oooh, sounds dark.

Sesshomaru:  Yeah, I bet characters end up dying left and right.  The bad guys are going down!

Legolas:  Er...

Sesshomaru:  Uh... except for you, of course.

Lucius:  Shut up and let me finish sobbing in this corner will ya!

Legolas:  Chin up.  I'm sure you'll make it out just fine.

Sesshomaru:  Yeah, I mean, they can't kill you.  You're blond!  Snape's the one in trouble.

Snape:  Hey!

Lucius:  *sniff* You really think so?

Legolas:  Yeah, dude.  You'll be fine.

Lucius:  Gee, thanks guys.  You've really cheered me up.  Haha, you're right.  I've got nothing to worry about!

Legolas:  That's the spirit!

[Lucius leaves.]

Sesshomaru: So, what do you think?

Legolas:  He's a goner.  Want to play with my hair?

Sesshomaru:  I thought you would never ask.
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Out With the Old, In With the New [Nov. 12th, 2006|10:32 pm]
Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs

[Inside the Fandom Heartthrobs Secret Headquarters, our intrepid heroes have called an emergency meeting… Lucius enters.]

So kind of you to finally arrive.

Sorry I’m late.  Traffic was a real bitch.

Legolas: Why didn’t you just Floo or Apparate or whatever the hell it is you wizards do?

Lucius: …Hindsight is 20/20.


Lucius:  So why’d you guys call me here anyway? What’s so important?

[Sesshomaru and Legolas share a look.]

Legolas: *ahem* Take a seat, Lucius.  We have something to tell you.

Lucius:  Oh God, I had a feeling this was coming.  Listen, let me be the first to say ‘Congratulations’ and I’d love to be the best man at your wedding.

Sesshomaru:  What?!

Legolas:  No! Geez!  That’s not why we called you here! Now sit down.

Lucius:  Then what is it?

Sesshomaru:  It’s about your membership in the Fandom Heartthrobs.

Lucius: What?

Legolas:  Sesshomaru and I have been discussing it, and we feel you just don’t meet our needs at this time.  But we’ve written you a Letter of Recommendation.

Sesshomaru:  Good luck in your future endeavors.

Lucius:  YOU’RE KICKING ME OUT?!  Why?!

Legolas:  Calm down, I’m sure you’ll make some lucky group of fictional heartthrobs very happy someday.

Sesshomaru:  You just don’t really fit in with us, that’s all.  Nothing personal.

Lucius:  What are you talking about? Have you seen my hair?!  Look!  BLONDE!  I’m perfect for this club.

Legolas:  …

Lucius:  What, that’s not good enough any more?

Sesshomaru:  We just think you don’t have enough in common with us.

Lucius:  What? Shall I list the ways? Besides the hair, we’ve each got a short, aesthetically-challenged sidekick.

Jaken, Gimli, and Dobby Hello!

Sesshomaru, Legolas, and Lucius: Quiet, youse!

Lucius: As I was saying, we’ve got the hair, the sidekicks…

Sesshomaru: But that’s not enough.

Lucius:  What about the astute sense of fashion!  What about the feminity!  What about the huge legions of fangirls!  You’ll never find someone to replace me!

Legolas:  Au contraire.  We already did.

Lucius:  WHAT?!

Sesshomaru:  Yeah, we found someone with even more fangirls than you.  Plus, he’s got something in common with us that you don’t.

Lucius:  Like what?

Legolas:  Well, I’m a prince…

Sesshomaru:  And I’m a prince…

Lucius:  You’re not a prince!

Sesshomaru:  Shut up!

Legolas:  He’s… sort of a prince.  Well, plenty of people seem to think he has a castle.  It’s close enough.

  And this new guy’s a prince too.  He sent us an application the other day and he meets all our criteria perfectly.  Lucius, meet your replacement… the Half-Blood Prince Severus Snape!

[A blonde Snape enters.]

Snape:  ‘Ello ‘ello!

Lucius:  What?!  That poncy old bugger? His accent’s atrocious.  I’m bloody pissed as ‘ell I am, what what.

Sesshomaru: ….

Legolas: Snape here is the perfect addition to the Fandom Heartthrobs.

Snape:  Sorry to beat you out, old chap.  No hard feelings and what all.  I was sick of being bosom buddies with Old Whatshisface and thought I’d shack up with these blokes.

Lucius:  But Snape can’t be part of the group!

Legolas:  And why not?

Lucius:  Because he’s not even BLONDE!

[Lucius pulls off Snape’s wig, revealing *gaspshock* BLACK hair!]

Snape:  *girlish shriek*

Sesshomaru:  *faintgaspshock*  Impostor!!

Legolas:  You jerk!  You lied on your application!  We specifically stated no brunettes allowed!

Snape:  But I kind of have highlights if you look at it in the sunlight…

Lucius:  Oh bugger off, you git!  *boot*

Snape:  Yipe! *falls out window*

Lucius:  *brushes off hands* And stay out!

Sesshomaru:  Is h-he gone?

Legolas:  Yes, he’s gone.  It’s ok now.

Sesshomaru:  That was sooo scary.  His hair was some horrible dark color.  The pain.

Legolas:  There there.  It’s all over.

Lucius:  So, what do you say, mates? Am I back in the Fandom Heartthrobs for good?

Legolas:  Oh all right.

Lucius:  Wheee!

Sesshomaru:  Ahhh, my eyes!  Scary dark hair make this Sesshomaru go blind!

Next time on Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs: To Be Announced!
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Three's Company [Nov. 5th, 2006|01:10 am]
Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs

[Sesshomaru has moved in with Legolas after breaking up with Kagome.  (What a Valentine's Day that was, hahaha.)  Odd Couple theme music plays.]

Legolas: Sesshomaru, get in here!

Sesshomaru: What?

Legolas: What is this? What is this? Is this a stain on my coffee table? Geez, why do I even bother putting coasters here? It's not like you use them.

Sesshomaru: What's the big deal?

Legolas: ...You're kidding me, right? This coffee table is an antique! Salvaged from Smaug the dragon's treasures and given to me by Bilbo Baggins himself! Geeeeez.

Sesshomaru: Don't make me kill you.  It'd be hard to find another roommate.  Rent these days is atrocious.

Legolas: Gas prices suck too.

Sesshomaru:  I know!

Legolas: At least you get a fat check from the government every month...

Sesshomaru: Um, hello...! I have ONE ARM!  That's totally valid disability.

Legolas: Whatever.  The only time you can't seem to manage with one arm is whenever it's time to do the laundry...

Sesshomaru: Oh boy, here it comes.  Not this again.  I told you, the bleach smell makes my eyes water.

Legolas: Suuure.

[The doorbell rings.]

Sesshomaru: Who's that?

Legolas: Probably Lucius.  I invited him over for tea.

Sesshomaru: What the hell is up with you Brits and tea all the time?

Legolas: Technically, I'm not British.  I'm Elvish.

Sesshomaru: Your skirt says differently.

Legolas: Ha ha.  Now answer the door.

Sesshomaru: *grumblegrumble* I hate that stupid Lucius.  His accent annoys the hell out of me.  And the way he always brags about how his hair color's natural.  Natural my ass.

[Sesshomaru opens the door.]

Lucius: Hello, mates!

Sesshomaru: Lucius! My good friend!  How wonderful of you to visit.  Come in, come in.  Make yourself at home.  Don't bother using a coaster.  ...Oh, hold on a sec, you've got a troll imp following you.  I'll get it.  *whips out Tokijin*

Dobby: AHHH!

Lucius:  Hey!  That's my House-Elf.  Put that bloody thing away.  You demons and your swords.  It's barbaric.

Legolas:  Is that an old pair of your underwear your servant's wearing?

Lucius: Mine? No.  I found it on the subway.

Legolas: ...  So anyway... he's an elf you say? Doesn't look like an elf.  I mean, where I come from, Elves are shining examples of aesthetic perfection.

Lucius: Yeah yeah, you're a regular Adonis.
stupid git

Sesshomaru:  Holy crap, there's a raccoon in the house!  I'll get it--oh wait, sorry, it's that elf-troll again.  Sorry.  I see him and my head screams "vermin".  My bad.

[Someone knocks on the door.  Legolas looks through the peephole.]

Legolas: Oh shit, it's the landlord!  Keep to the plan!

Sesshomaru: Right.

[Legolas opens the door.]

Legolas: Hello, Mr. Furley.

Mr. Furley: Yeah, I just came by to remind you your rent's past due.

Legolas: We'll have it for you tomorrow.  My check from Pantene will come in then.

Mr. Furley:  Great.  Say, you got company?

Lucius: How do you do, pip pip.

Mr. Furley: It's so nice to have normal tenants around here.  I had to turn down two people last week.  Unmarried hooligans.  If there's one thing I'm proud of, it's my strict policy to rent to married couples only.

Legolas:  Er, right.

Mr. Furley:  And if I may say so, Mrs. Greenleaf, you're looking mighty lovely today.

Sesshomaru: ...Oh you.

Mr. Furley: Well, so long.

[He leaves.  Silence.]

Lucius:  Dude.

Legolas: I know.

Lucius: Duuude.

Sesshomaru: I know.

Lucius:  Duuuuudes.

Legolas & Sesshomaru: We know.

Lucius: He thinks you're a woman!

Sesshomaru: Shut up.  It's...easier this way.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a decent apartment in this city?

[Odd Couple theme music plays.  End credits roll.  Fade to black.]

Next time on Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs: Out with the Old, In with the New
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Costume Party [Oct. 29th, 2006|09:58 pm]
Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs

Legolas's costume party was in full swing. It had been hard to get everything ready for Halloween in time--especially since that pretentious ass Sesshomaru had failed to show up to help him. Well, whatever had delayed him, he better have a good excuse. Legolas had had to work so hard that a strand of his perfect blond hair had almost gotten out of place! Imagine the damage it would have caused! Why, if he hadn't caught it in time, that would have been a full three hours wasted fixing his hair...

It was time to schmooze with the guests. Legolas walked over to the guy dressed like a giant spider. "Naraku, hey, thanks for coming."

"No problem." Naraku grabbed an unsuspecting hobbit standing by the punch bowl and bit him. The hobbit squealed. "Hey, look at me! I'm Shelob!"

Legolas laughed. "Oh, you old kidder, you!" he said, and bumped into a large wooden staff behind him.  He turned around.  "Oh hey, Gandalf, buddy, glad you could make it. I know the trip from Valinor's a drag. Great costume. I love the whole hippie thing."

"What, this? No, this was a laundry mishap," Gandalf said, pointing to his tie-dye robes. "I had my clothes dry-cleaned at Tom Bombadil's. Bad idea.  Stuff goes on there." He pretended to take a drag.

"Oh, right."

Suddenly a knock on the door sent Legolas into a tizzy. "Ooh, another guest! Excuse me, Gandalf." He smoothed down his green frock, and went to open the door.

"Trick-or-treat, mate," someone in a leopard print toga greeted him.

"Hello, Lucius." Legolas let him inside. "Thanks for coming."

"I can't believe it's Halloween already. It feels like we just celebrated Valentine's Day. Anyway, I brought you a centerpiece decoration for the table."

"Oh, great, this is perfect. A plastic shrunken head! Thanks!"

"Oh, yeah. Plastic. Right. So, uh, who are you supposed to be?" Lucius said, eyeing Legolas's costume. "Tinker Bell?"

"I'm Peter Pan, jackass. And you're one to talk. You look more like Jane than Tarzan in that crazy get-up."

Lucius ignored him. "Hey, is Sesshomaru here yet? I've got to warn him. Kagome found out about the party, and she's coming."

"What? I thought they broke up."

"They did." Lucius leaned in to whisper confidentially. "Between you and me the bitch is crazy."

"Oh, well, Sesshomaru hasn't shown up yet. In fact, he was supposed to come over early to help me set up. But everyone else I invited is here."

"Well, no worries," Lucius said. "You got it done without him, and everything looks great. Hey! You even hired real goblins to accentuate the decorations."

"Lucius, those are hobbits."

"Oh, right."  He paused.  "Man, they're ugly. You really had to travel across Middle-Earth with those buggers? How did you survive?"

Legolas winked. "I had a mirror with me in case of emergencies.  No one should be forced to stare at ugly all day.  If you think those hobbits are bad, you should have seen Aragorn.  Dude never once showered.  I had to hold my nose halfway through Moria."

"Ooh, harsh," Lucius said.

Suddenly a dark figure walked up behind him. "Lucius Malfoy."

Lucius turned around. "Severus Snape." He was wearing a long black cape, white face paint, and fake fangs. "You dressed up like a vampire? Isn't that a tad predictable?"

"Well, you remember all those old rumors the fangirls had going around. Thought I'd humor them and be ironic."


There was another knock on the door, slow, booming, and ominous. "Oh," Legolas said, "That must be Sesshomaru." He opened the door. Standing there was a tall figure cloaked in black holding a long scythe, and wearing a pumpkin on its head. There were no eyeholes, but somehow he was able to walk in as though he could see through it.

Lucius snorted. "Lame costume. Who are you supposed to be, Pumpkinhead?"

Legolas joined in, taunting. "Peter Peter, Pumpkin Eater?"

"The Headless Horseman?"

"Lamey McPumpkinface?"  Legolas and Lucius burst into laughter.

The cloaked figure swung his scythe at Lucius, who jumped out of the way. "Hey, hey, c'mon now. We're just teasing. No need to be a git about it." The figure swung again, this time nicking Lucius's arm. "Bloody hell! That better not leave a scar, or you're dead, mate!"

Legolas got in between them. "Now, now, cool it, you two. This is a party." Suddenly the doorbell rang. "Now who could that be...." Legolas opened the door, and someone with radiant , platinum blonde hair walked in wearing a coconut bra and hula skirt.

"Sorry I'm late, fellas. But I had to search five different stores before I could find a Tropical Beach Barbie outfit in my size."

Everyone's jaw dropped. "Sesshomaru!" Legolas cried. "But if you're there, then who's this guy?" he said, pointing to the cloaked figure.

A low, evil cackle made its way from beneath the pumpkin mask. The figure viciously swung its scythe towards Legolas's neck and connected with...

"My hair! My beautiful, long blond hair! It's ruined!" The golden tresses lay murdered on the floor. Legolas fainted.

"Noooo! Noooo! Noooo!" Lucius shrieked, hysterical at the irreparable injury done to his friend.

The cloaked figure pulled off its pumpkin mask, and swore. "Dammit, dammit, dammit!  I missed! I thought that one was Sesshomaru. Through this stupid mask you all look the same and I can't hear anything." Kagome stared at the three blond men then. "Well, actually, you all kind of look the same anyway. Oh well." She turned to Sesshomaru before walking out the door. "That's for dumping me, dick."

Sesshomaru watched her go, and then looked at Legolas's new haircut. It was a nightmare of uneven layers and split ends. "Ouch.  Now that's just scary."

Next time on Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs: Three's Company
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Valentine's Day Edition [Oct. 23rd, 2006|08:38 am]
Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs

You may be wondering why I'm writing about Valentine's Day in October. Well the answer is, I'm not.

The following fic is indeed about Valentine's Day, but it wasn't written in October. It was originally written and posted at my journal on--you guessed it--Valentine's Day. But I figure, where the Fandom Heartthrobs are involved, every day is Valentine's Day, right...?

Not buying it? Fine. Just pretend it's February, okay?

[Sesshomaru, Legolas, and Lucius Malfoy are sitting on a park bench watching humans (or in Lucius's case, "Muggles") pass them by.]

Legolas: So fellas, today's Valentine's Day. We should really do something for all our fangirls, if you know what I mean.

Lucius: *sigh* Oh all right... [Lucius starts taking off his shirt--]

Sesshomaru: Valentine's Day? What's that?

Legolas: For crying out loud, Lucius, keep your clothes on! That's not what I meant.

Valentine's Day? What's that?

Well, geez, Legs, how was I supposed to know? The way you said it...you elves are such poncy buggers anyway.

Hello? Are you listening to me?

Legolas: You know, Lucius, that is so like you. Always ready to take your clothes off at a moment's notice...

Sesshomaru: You two are starting to piss me off.

Legs, is this about your birthday party 200 years ago? Because I swear I was drunk. Come on. Put it in the past already.

*sigh* You bastards leave me no choice... [Sesshomaru pulls out Tokijin and whacks them across the head with the blunt part of the blade.]

Legolas: OWW!

Lucius: BLOODY HELL! What the hell was that for?

Sesshomaru: I've been asking for the past 5 minutes what Valentine's Day is. I don't think we had such a thing in Feudal Japan.

Lucius: Geez, no need to get all buggered about it. You tell him, Legs.

Legolas: Stopcallingmethat. Ok, Valentine's Day. Right. Well, forget its origins. Nowadays, Valentine's Day is about an expression of love.

Sesshomaru: An expression of love?

Exactly. You're supposed to give your sweetie a Valentine.

Sesshomaru: What's a Valentine?

Hm, it's kind of hard to explain if you haven't seen one.

Legolas: It's a small token of one's affection. A gift from the heart, you might say.

Lucius: A heart! That's it. A Valentine is a heart.

Sesshomaru: Ohhh! I get it!

Legolas: Yeah, and like I was saying, I think we should give all our appreciative fangirls a Valentine today. You know, to show them how much we love the money that they end up spending on our trademarked merchandise.

Lucius: Exactly. But where are we going to get a Valentine?

Sesshomaru: Heh, that's no problem. Leave it to me.

[A man is walking by the park bench. Promptly, Sesshomaru reaches over with his claws out and pulls out his heart.]

Legolas: EWWWWWWW!!!

Lucius: BLOODY HELL!!!

What? Whaaaat? What'd I do?

Legolas: *sigh* Oy guvolt. We better wrap this up.

Lucius: So from all of us to all of you...

Sesshomaru, Legolas, Lucius: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

[Sesshomaru holds out the heart, blood dripping down his hand.]

Lucius: Uhhhh, you better get rid of that thing, mate.

Legolas: Oh, he we go. [He takes the heart and throws it in a park garbage can.]

Lucius: Cheers.

Next time on Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs: Costume Party
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So Sesshomaru, Legolas, and Lucius Malfoy walk into a bar... [Oct. 16th, 2006|10:21 am]
Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs

And the bartender says, "So, what'll it be, ladies?"


One dead bartender and several drinks later...

Sesshomaru: ...and so that's when I knew the relationship would never work out. But I was up front with her. I came clean about it. I walked right up to Kagome and I said, "I'm prettier than you."

Lucius: Oh man, I've been there. Break-ups are the worst. They never take it easy.

Legolas: I've got a trick to it. All I do is replace myself with a Barbie doll, and the chick never knows the difference till I've already escaped. They get caught up playing with the hair, you know.

Lucius: Well, you do have great hair.

Sesshomaru: Oh no doubt. No one's arguing against that.

Lucius: It's so soft.

Sesshomaru: Shiny, too.

Legolas: ...yeah. You guys've had too much to drink. ...You really think my hair's that soft?

Lucius: No question.

Legolas: But is it my best feature, though?

Sesshomaru: Hm, well, that's a tough one. I mean, you have so many great features. Your complexion...

Lucius: Your eyes...

Sesshomaru: That dreamy boot-and-skirt ensemble...

Legolas: This old thing? You're kidding. I've been wearing this since the Third Age.

Lucius: Well you know how it is. "Vintage" never goes out of style, eh? Ahahaha.

Sesshomaru: Hahahhaha.

Legolas: Heeheehoohoo.

Lucius: ...oh god, I'm drunk...I should leave...

Legolas: Yeah. I should be going too. Elrond gets so mad when I come home late. He worries so.

Sesshomaru: That's how the ol' ball and chain is, eh? Well, good luck. I guess I'll head home as well. If I'm away too long, Rin seems to get kidnapped without fail. Hey Lucius, I've been wanting to look into House-Elves. What's the going rate on one of those? My servant's been slacking off lately.

Lucius: I'll text message you about it.

Sesshomaru: Right. Bye.

Legolas: So long.

Lucius: Cheerio, pip pip, what what.

Next time on Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs: Valentine's Day
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Episode I: Lamentations of the Fandom Heartthrobs [Oct. 8th, 2006|06:30 am]
Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs

[Sesshomaru, Legolas, and Lucius Malfoy are sitting at a bookstore café, drinking coffee.]

Lucius: So, what I don’t get is why fangirls are after me. I mean, you two have the whole androgynous hottie thing going on. I’m like, creepy 40-year-old middle-aged villain guy.

Legolas: Chicks dig baddies, man. I mean, throw in any angsty hottie with a troubled past and he’s bound to get some attention. Hell, if Sauron wasn’t a giant incorporeal eyeball, you know the fangirls would be all over him trying to hit that.

Lucius: I guess.

Sesshomaru: Plus you’ve got the Barbie doll hair. That always helps.

Lucius: *sigh* True dat.

Sesshomaru: At least you guys don’t have to put up with a horribly emasculating nickname.

Legolas: People call me Legsy. Or Leggy.

Sesshomaru: C’mon, that’s not nearly as bad as Fluffy. Ugh, makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a dull spoon.

Legolas: Ok, ok, ok, I’ll give you that. But what about the slash writers? I’ve looked into Aragorn’s “dreamy” eyes more times than I can count. And then there’s the people who pair me with Gimli *shudders*

Lucius: Oh yeah? I’m just lucky if I don’t get paired with some underage boy wizard.

Sesshomaru: Oh you stupid, ignorant, lucky bastards. I have three words for you: My. Own. Brother.

Legolas: Yikes.

Lucius: Wow. You win, man. No contest.

Sesshomaru: Whoa, look at the time. I’m due to stare off the edge of a cliff in three minutes, boys.

Legolas: I gotta be going, too. I have a hair appointment at 5. Highlights. You know how it is.

Lucius: Gotta keep up the ‘do. We know exactly how it is. Same time next week, fellas?

You know it.

Next time on Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs: So Sesshomaru, Legolas, and Lucius Malfoy walk into a bar...
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